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Anna and Lois have been quite literally flooded by almost two enquiries into this
matter - is Death by Penguin my inescapable fate? Some have even questioned the very existence of The Penguin of Death.
Well, we at The Big Penguin Project find your attitude laughable. Ha. Ha. And once again, Ha.
Some of you crazy shits may not believe in The Penguin. Well we are here to tell you He is surprisingly
tall when on His hind legs. Anna and Lois have a pre-determined death, that whilst they are writing The List, they are going
to die... Disgusting, isn't it? Like there are no Dutch Elms in this country anymore.
However, there are a few home remedies that we have painstakingly researched to keep The Penguin at
bay:-
KEEP THE PENGUIN AT BAAAAAAAY!!
(1) Exercise by jogging in women's underwear and high heels every morning. It is more comfortable this
way and more aerodynamic - see Fig. 1. The Penguin is slightly aroused by this and so returns home... to His McFly porn and
tube sock.
(2) A modern day snack such as Weetos can plug the holes in your body to prevent
any bumming taking place (see Fig. 2) So therefore He cannot slowly poke His puce strap-on into your body until you die.
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| Ric, fashioning weetos into potent Anti-Penguin weapons |
(3) The last and most important of all the "KEEP THE PENGUIN AT BAAAAAAY!!"
remedies is that if He asks if He can harm or kill you - "just say no"!
A word of warning
Under no circumstances should you attempt to drunkenly walk back to Anna's house after parties or gatherings
- particularly if you are not Anna. This is when you are at your most vulnerable to The Penguin's lethal charms. Only One
Person has ever been known to survive this task, but the price she paid was equally traumatic. Below is an artist's impression
of that fateful night:
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