The List

The Big Penguin Project

In all its list-like glory

Some are offensive, some are funny. Some are offensive and funny. But we wouldn't change a single one.

412 Ways to be Killed by the Penguin of Death (WARNING: contains mild peril)

1.While you are standing in front of Him in awe, The Penguin reaches puberty and His beak grows at such an alarming rate that it pierces your head like a voodoo canape.

2. The strangely attractive Penguin of Death allures you with His beautiful eyes, in which you can see a beautiful desert island. You stand unable to move awaiting your death. He gobbles you up with the speed of a thousand otters.

3. The Penguin befriends you with His sweet, innocent and oh so cute charm. One day He lures you into His Snow Cave of Death with the tempting idea of staying for tea. The only drawback is... you are the dinner. He eats you. And enjoys it.

4. The Penguin glances at you. You hold His gaze until He waddles towards you. It gets closer and closer. Meanwhile you realise the cold water is getting nearer and nearer. Oh shit! You're in it!

5. You saw the last explorer's scarf left on the ice. The Penguin must have eaten him. Obviously He ate too much - the projectile vomiting that ensued was so strong it choked the person stood there, mouth wide open in awe.

6. To The Penguin S&M means more than Snow&Mountains. He comes towards you, laying you over His knee and begins violent spanking. You try to get up, but then all the other penguins try to get up. It's anarchy. You are killed in the rampage.

7.As you walk through the abandoned ice museum, you hear a distant chanting, this diverts your attention - suddenly, you receive a half-nelson from the Penguin of Death, He calls on His regiment of wild oompa-loompas to chant the call of the ice-bird who pecks you into submission.

8.One morning, Penguin was feeling randy. Due to a complete lack of penguin porn in the Antarctic, Penguin lures unknowing victims into his lair, claiming that it is the hiding place of the infamous Yeti. Once inside, He has His way with you and sexes you to death.

9. One freezing arctic night the Penguin of Death grabbed you in a passionate manner but then felt you couldnt fulfill His needs so He called His friends over who surrounded you in a hot and sweaty lovefest and eventually you were suffocated by the penguin bummers.

10. A leather-clad Penguin approaches you with an electric eel, you're in for one hell of an exciting spanking..

11. The canny yet soulless Penguin realises you are in fact a plant and drenches you in brine, putting an end to your short and pointless life.

12. The Penguin is feeling quite drunk and decides to shit in Lois' ribena bag, as He thought He heard the bag say "shit me". When He has shat in the bag, He sees you in the distance doing watersports. He walks up behind you and plants the shitbag on your unsuspecting head causing you to suffocate.

13. The Evil Penguin of Death puts Decapitated's new album on repeat and you cant help but head bang..........you mosh until ur head falls off your shoulders.......therefore you are decapitated by Decapitated.

14. You approach The Penguin with a whip and leash. An argument ensues - He refuses to be submissive - a violent sex-driven rumble takes place. You regret taking the whip - boy, does that Penguin know how to use it. You die in a torrent of blood and penguin juice.

15. The Penguin invites you to the migration north. Little did you know these are suicide penguins that live a pointless life then dive off a cliff into the icey waters of the Antarctic Ocean... you die on impact.

16. After divulging in many humans The Penguin retreats back to its small vacuum-like cave in the ice. He goes to the toilet - outside the cave the weary person decides to go in. The stench overcomes him and he dies after hitting his head on the ground.

17. The Penguin decides to open a complaints office to deal with the surge of reports concerning half-nelsoning oompa-loompas. He decides to hire a secretary to handle the paperwok. You are that secretary. You both enjoy your work but verry little gets donne about the oompa-loompas. One day they gett to you. They ask The Penguin to choose - it's you or Him - He hands them the whipp... You are whipped to death.

18. The Penguin joins you in Saturday detention. You suspect He is a fan of 'The Breakfast Club'. A criminal offers Him a hallucinogenic drug - The Penguin accepts and as the drug takes effect He thinks you are a humpable snowman. He tapes your buns together, shoots your elephant and ditches you to go shopping. when He comes back He humps your taped snowman buns and you melt from all the hot humping excitement.

19. The Penguin finds Britney's new album in your collection. He knows what He has to do. He beats you to death with your own copy. It was a mercy killing.

20. The Penguin realises that He has no knees. He is so embittered by this realisation that He turns on you, as He feels you have been flaunting your knee-ridden status. He takes off your legs, sharpens them to fine points and then stabs you with them. How ironic. And painful.

21. The Penguin develops elephantisus of the nuts - they grow to such an alarming size that its really difficult to ride a bike. But as He tries He catches a glimpse of Himself in the mirror and becomes so aroused that His nuts become caught up in the pedals. A messy explosion occurs in which you, an innocent bystander become covered in the lethal penguin juice.

22. You go to a motel. It is run by a shy Penguin with a worrying relationship with His mother. Ah well. You decide to take a shower. Wait just a second! Whats that Penguin-with-a-large-knife-shaped shadow lurking outside the shower curtain???

23. He smothers you with His Penguiny love.

24. He points and laughs at you for not being a Penguin of Death until you curl up in a ball and die of shame.

25. He pecks you to death. Slowly.

26. Taken from His icy home, The Penguin comes to live with you and develops a worrying attraction to your fridge. One day, as you innocently reach in for some chilled bourbons, He pushes you in, closes the door behind you and you are slowly chilled to death.

27. The Penguin's new computer arrives at His Igloo Of Death. A small delivery man tried to eat The Penguin as He had no tip. The Penguin dissolved in the delivery man's stomach and as The Penguin passed out of his anus, He expanded and caused the delivery man to die of extreme bleeding. Needless to say, The Penguin had the last laugh.

28. The Penguin stacks you under all your possessions- instant death.

29. The Penguin chains you to a clamp on your car. The only way you can escape is by phoning the council, but you can't because He has shoved your mobile phone up your bum hole. The Penguin bums you through your nose until your brain explodes due to repetitive poking from The Penguin's puce strap-on.

30. The Penguin seduces you. You have unprotected sex. You catch HIV and die.

31. The Penguin shows up, ties you to a chair, and straps a bomb to you which, if detonated, will blow up the whole of the UK. The bomb will explode if you utter the word 'Penguin'. You are under extreme temptation to see if The Penguin will hold true to His word and blow you and the whole country up. Alas, when you utter the sacred word, the bomb doesn't go off, so The Penguin shoots you instead.

32. The Penguin forces you to listen to the Stereophonics.

33. You sleep with The Penguin and promise you'll call. You don't call. The Penguin of Death dies a sad, lonely, slow death. After killing you. By inserting phones into your every orifice and ringing you to death.

34. You are The Penguin of Death. All this killin' is pretty depressing so you decide to commit suicide. You hang yourself on a elaborately constructed noose made of seaweed. Goodbye cruel world...

35. For years you bully The Penguin in school, that is until He runs into a girl who is trying to be really cool (but secretly isn't). The Penguin talks the girl into seducing you and meeting you and a friend in the woods. There He shoots you both, but places mineral water at the scene to make it look like a gay suicide pact.

36. The Penguin bludgeons you with a spiked club until all movement ceases. You lie, dead, your blood spilling out and poetically freezing on the floor of The Igloo of Death.

37. The Penguin takes off your head and uses it to play arctic volleyball.

38. The Penguin of Death bites you on the upper section of your left arm. His Penguin poison slowly seeps into your bloodstream causing you to turn puce and die a slow painful death.

39. You insult The Penguin. He offers you a fork so you can eat your words. You fall back in amazement and are impailed on the aforementioned fork.

40. The Penguin nags you to an early grave.

41. The Penguin drops large cartoon one ton weights on you from a great height.

42. The Penguin slaps your face with a wet fish. You die on impact.

43. The Penguin starts a list where everyone adds an idea of how The Penguin would kill you. It's too late you've done the work for Him - He uses your idea to get you. Nibble. Nibble.

44. You sit there in your bullet proof glasses, helmet and goalie uniform "He cant get me" you think confidently. Because of your smug behaviour The Penguin pisses on you causing you to dissolve and be eaten by several thousand red ants.

45. A large Penguin comes up to you, and takes you to a back alley of a porno movie theatre, He tries to seduce you but you are no whore so He flashes a bright light in your eyes to stun you. He then pokes your insides with His love stick. Weeks later your stomach bursts and thousands of penguins rip through your skin. In result you die.

46. You shout "WAAAZZZZUUUPPPP" The Penguin shoots you a look of that was so 2 years ago. You die of shame.

47. You openly admit that you think Thrice are better than Thursday. the Penguin senses this on His musical taste radar and stabs you through your sweatband whilst singing 'War all the time'. You bleed to death. But at least it had a good soundtrack.

48. You are too emo for your own good. The Penguin senses this from your floppy hair and initiates a destructive and doomed relationship with you that rips out your innocent heart and tears it into tiny emo pieces. This allows you to write many moany songs. You become so overwhelmed by your own emo-ness that you decide to cut your own arm off. It really hurts. You bleed to death. But at least you made your point. Beautiful, wasn't it?

49. The Penguin is bopping to McFly. You enter the room on his favourite riff - "doo doo dodo dooDOO". You try to call out but He doesn't hear you. He breaks into 'running man' dance formation and backs you into a corner, where His freakishly strong legs batter you to death. He is taken to court but makes a moving speech blaming His crime on the damaging influence of moderately catchy pop-rock music on a young and impressionable generation of listeners. The jury applauds Him. He is knighted. You're still dead.

50. The Penguin beats you about the head with a blunt spade, for no apparent reason and with a malicious glint in His beady eye.

51. You feel a drop of water on your head. And then another. And then another. The Penguin is giving you the Chinese water drop torture with His own fresh tears. He is sad for what He is doing.

52. The Penguin of Death works for you as a hired assassin. But He tires of His life as a killer and wishes to settle down with a family. Finding out He is heavily pregnant He fakes His own death. But you are too clever, you track Him down and kill Him. However! He doesn't die.. instead He goes into a 4 year coma. When He wakes He vows to find you and kill you. He finally tracks you down in your villa... you have a conversation at a table during which He uses the five-point-palm-exploding-heart-technique. You take 5 steps and die.

53. The Penguin walks into a bar...... and shoots the barman. You are that barman. Hey, The Penguin thought it was funny...

54. The Penguin offers you a kipper. You eat it. Kippers are disgusting. You die of disgust.

55. The Penguin asks you to meet him at the kiosk... you excitedly agree! You love The Penguin. BUT... there is no kiosk... you walk around forever and eventually die of disappointment.

56. You make a ritual death offering of a bearded quail. The Penguin finds this entirely disturbing... uh oh... you have displeased The Penguin. He, in turn, sacrifices you to the quail on His Alter of Deadly Death. And He doesn't even like the quail that much. How depressing.

57. The Penguin subjects you to controlled identity searches controlled by him and him alone. He controls you to death.

58. The Penguin begins to slow motion punch you but gets distracted by the beast-like Dylan Moran. The punch speeds up - it really hurts - you fall back onto a conveniently placed bed of nails.

59. The animals went in 2 by 2, huraah, huraah, the animals went in 2 by 2, huraah, huraah... the cat, the dog, The Penguin too, they all went in and...The Penguin shot them all with his concealed tommy gun in a suprise biblical massacre (you were the cat).

60. The Penguin walks towards you with His tube-like nails. You rid yourself of all bodily fluids out of fear and excitement. You shrivel up like the dried raisin you are and die.

61. You ask The Penguin if you can look at his french homework, 'La Grande Projet de le Penguin de Mort'. He asks you to wait a minute. The minute turns into hours, then days, then months, then years. You die of waiting.

62. The Penguin decides to become a hippy and grows a full head of luxurious penguiny hair. Unfortunately you get trapped in the hair and are forced to live off the morsels of food that rebound off The Penguin's penguiny beak. The morsels aren't enough. You die of hairy starvation.

63. The Penguin suffocates you with His feathery limbs.

64. The Penguin invites you around to His Igloo for a romantic dinner. You of course accept as He used His enigmatic smile to make you wildly attracted to Him. You freeze to death when He throws you out of His Igloo into the cold and harsh antarctic weather.

65. The Penguin entices you into erotic penguiny chat on MSN... but he tricks you and types a whole page of extra smiley smiley faces. You are blinded, blinded by the insane whiteness of their cheery, glinting smiles and cold, dead eyes. You die of blindness.

67. The Penguin 'txts' you in a 'gangsta' style. Unfortunatly this means He includes few vowels and as a result the message makes no sense. He says to meet Him at 'sbrys'.. you assume He means sturdy bag store SALISBURYS, when He actuallys means popular supermarket store SAINSBURYS. Nightmare. He tracks you down and beats you with His gansta-pimp-bling-diamond encrusted phone till you die for making Him wait.

68. The Penguin gums you to death with His poisonous gums of poisonous poison.

69. You die on your back choking to death on Penguin schlong, orgasmically.

70. The Penguin of Death entices you into His lair with the promise that He will tell you THE MEANING OF LIFE. Unfortunately He tricks you and His lair is filled with TOAST that has NO EARS. Resistance is futile. The Penguin of DEATH then calls upon the TOAST and you are slowly consumed by their EARS (which they were just hiding from you).

71. The Penguin decides that His driveway needs shovelling. He uses you as a shovel. He pushes your feet along the snow. Your mouth wide open in shock, the snow enters and freezes you to death from the inside.

72. The Penguin films His own reality tv show. So boring and repetitive is this show that your large intestine jumps up and strangles you to death to save you from further exposure to this horror.

73. The Penguin sneezes at you. At the shock of witnessing this rarely heard sound, you pass out, hitting your head on the ice, and breathing in rather alot of Penguin bacteria. This then multiplies and gives you a cold. On the way home from your meeting with The Penguin, you sneeze. Your sneeze sounds so uncannily like The Penguin that you are further suprised and drive into a tree.

74. The Penguin loves tea and crumpets, but abhores american tea and crumpets, his logic being that all americans are full of hot air. Therefore their tea is balloon farts and their crumpets made from scarlet women. You decide to annoy The Penguin by pointing out that cheese is not always a bad thing to eat before bed time, so He shaves your head. And sits on it. Like an egg. As if you are His child. In this cruelly ironic tableau of motherhood, you are killed from the pressure on your cranium.

75. The Penguin approaches you, holding His icicle in His hand (no, it's a real icicle, not a metaphor). He commands you to gaze into it, then as you stand transfixed, batters it swiftly through your eye socket and into your brain, like smacking a tentpeg through a tomato. You die, the icicle melts - ooh, no evidence. This frees Him up to continue bringing the Gift of Death to the masses.

76. The Penguin's beak is extremely sharp, almost razor-like. He rotates at great speed to create the same effect as a helicopter. He comes too close to you and you get all sliced up. Yowser.

77. You are in a long term relationship with The Tenguin until you break up with Him. The Penguin starts sending you whiney emails begging you to take Him back. You are so engrossed in laughing evilly at the state you have reduced Him to that you dont see Him coming up behind you with a vat of mackerel which He drops on your head...you die instantly.

78. You wake up to find the enigmatic Penguin has you strapped to you bed so that you cant move a muscle. He then places a cage over stomach and places The Madness Hamsters in it. When you fall asleep the hamster burrow through your abdomen and steal your brain, killing you in the process.

79. You are walking down the road when the Penguin sneaks up behind you and proceedes to bludgeon you to death with a potatoe masher.

80. While happily walking up Buchanan street in Glasgow you see a scruffy little Penguin selling the Big Issue. You don't avoid Him though, because that little smile makes Him seem cute rather that smelly and scruffy. "Big Issue please" says the Penguin. You politely tell Him no thanks and that you don't have any change to buy one. Pissed off that you're the 483rd person to either blank or decline His offer of a shit magazine, the Penguin wrestles you to the ground and continues to shove His load of merchandise up your arse. You die of anal insertion.

81. After Mrs Penguin of Death skips off for her feeding frenzy leaving The Penguin of Death to hatch the Penguin of Death Jnr, the offspring snuffs it. In an attempt to alleviate His loss, The Penguin of Death lures you into sleeping on His feet as a substitute egg and suffocates you whilst you sleep.

82. The Penguin gazes at you and entrances you with His enigmatic smile, then invites you to go flying with Him down at the cliffs. You do. Then you remember that penguins cannot fly. Then you die.

83. The Penguin suffocates you with His mighty gonads.

84. The Penguin of Death hears you conversing with Simon and Miquita (of famous Popworld fame), stating your passionate opinion that Busted 0wn McFly and have more credit among the homosexual scene. Needless to say, He is outraged and He goes to give you a 'nipple cripple'. But He is standing precariously on a box of tomatoes to eavesdrop so makes do with giving your eyebrows a girly but heartfelt tug o' war style pull. He is very heavily flippered and yanks out yards of eyebrow. You are quite literally all eyebrows now and look like your inferior idol from Busted. You die through a mixture of shame and adoring pre-pubescent girls and heterosexually challenged boys bludgeoning you to death with glow sticks in an attempt to get an autograph.

85. You stare at The Penguin and His enigmatic smile. You both have tea. Then, seven days after viewing Him (like the urban myth He is)... you die.

86. The Penguin purchases several poison arrow frogs from Ebay and uses their poison to make darts. One day He is practising shooting said darts when He hits you. You are poisoned and die instantly.

87. The Penguin, using His enigmatic smile and alluring eyes, asks you if you would like to join Him in a jam session. For little did you know, He is the bassist for the popular, angst driven penguin band 'The Smashing Penguins'. Fool! Are you so easily tricked? Yes. Upon arrival at the living room of the Penguin's igloo (that's where jam sessions are held in the antarctic), He turns on you and beats you to death with His cherry red Fender bass guitar, before mercilessly encouraging His penguin drummer friend to shove drumsticks into your every orifice. The music industry can be so cruel.

88. The Penguin sobs with mixed emotion at the chaos He has caused and the loss of His friends, He is oh so proud yet oh so lonely. You and He are all that are left living. Perhaps He could end it all now but He is too proud of all that He has achieved, instead He makes you live out the rest of your days listening to Him boast of His killing methods. Then you die, which is sooner than you imagine as The Penguin has killed all the doctors and your gangrinous leg is poisoning your blood.

89. The Penguin of Death tries to escape His destiny and takes intensive training as a motorbike pizza delivery penguin but on His first delivery He mows you down whilst you innocently try to cross the road. He suffers the knowledge that no man or penguin can escape their fate. You are left dying in the pavement fixed in His enigmatic yet regretful stare.

90. The Penguin is an avid Holland fan in Euro 2004. He forces you to wear the bright orange kit. You look like a satsuma. You die of embarassment

91. The Penguin hypnotises you into thinking you need jaffa cakes to survive. You eat so many you explode and orange goo flys everywhere.

92. You win a place on popular daytime quiz show 'The Weakest Link' and are, understandably, proud of yourself. However, The wily Penguin has acquired a red wig and is masquerading as the show's shrewish host. He taunts you with unkind remarks about your personal appearance and pitiful general knowledge. You can think of no witty retort. Instead you mumble something about His wig. He fixes you with a Beady Stare. You are on national television. You die of shame.

93. The Penguin invites you to His Igloo. He has purchased Peter Andre's latest album. He has it on repeat. Oh no. This truly is Insania. You turn slowly mad and are left to rot in an asylum.

94. You are a penguin in The Penguin's flock. It is a cold day and you form a tight huddle, taking it in turns to stand on the outside. The Penguin is selfish and He will not take His turn on the outside. You freeze to death.

95. You try to solve the mystery behind His enigmatic smile. It is a fruitless exercise. You die trying.

96. The Penguin invites you to a monochrome ball. You wish to attend as The Penguin is strangely attractive and the ball is for charity. However, you have nothing to wear. He gives you a beautiful silver gown and you accept His invitation. Once at the ball you find Him less attractive (you cannot see His enigmatic smile and He looks daft in a dinner jacket). You begin to flirt with a handsome stranger and he asks you to dance. The Penguin is jealous but He is also prepared. Little do you know that your gown is finely woven with iron. In His pocket, The Penguin has a powerful electromagnet. He turns it on. You are pulled from the arms of the handsome stranger and fly across the room towards The Penguin. You are impaled upon His beak and puce strap-on. You die instantly. This is murder on the dancefloor.

97. You are out for a walk on the ice when you see The Penguin in the distance, waving. Entranced by His enigmatic smile you move towards Him, slowly at first, then quicker and quicker. You fall through thin ice. It is cold. You slip slowly into darkness. (Incidentally, you wake 2 million years later. You are in a museum, perfectly preserved in a block of ice. All around you are penguins with enigmatic smiles. He has taken over the earth, and His minions rule.)

98. The Penguin takes you to a production of Chekhov's 'Three Sisters'. You die of boredom.

99. You fall in love with The Penguin and His enigmatic smile. He returns your love and serenades you with a rendition of 'Wind Beneath My Wings'. You die of happiness.

100. The Penguin creates a perfect ice sculpture of Himself. It is strangely attractive. You embrace the ice sculpture. Mistake. You are stuck. You jump into the sea in the hope that it will melt the ice. It does not. You drown.

101. The Penguin is auditioning for your West End production os 'Cats'. You find His performance of 'Memory', complete with interpretive dance, highly amusing. You laugh. The Penguin is hurt. He wants to hurt you back. He leaps from the stage in a perfect 'grande jetée' and knocks you to the floor. He proceeds to pirouette on your stomach, gradually gouging out your intestines.

102. The Penguin is no stranger to irony. He locks you in a small enclosure with a small enclosure with a plastic iceberg and a pond. He charges the other penguins for the pleasure of staring at you. Once a day He feeds raw fish (mainly kippers). You decide to end the misery yourself and dive headfirst into the shallow end of the pool.

103. The Penguin strips you naked and plucks every hair from your body one at a time, with His tweezer-like beak. This is painful but does not kill you. He leaves you to freeze to death. People stare. As well as taking your life, He has taken your dignity. Well done, Penguin. Well done.

104. You may think that The Penguin would be immune to the charms of slapstick humour. You would be wrong. He slaps you around the face with a wet fish. It is disgusting and degrading. You die to the sound of His manic laughter. Mwah ha. Mwa ha ha ha.

105. The Penguin appreciates the simple beauty of a classic murder format. He stabs you in a darkened alleyway.

106. You are happily walking along an iceberg when you look up and realise The Penguin's enigmatic eyes are gazing upon you. You quickly look for a way to escape. You see a sack of potatoes nearby and crawl into it, wriggling off a cliff into the sea in the hope of drifting away from danger. Not all potatoes float. Shit.

107. The Penguin likes to design elaborate death traps, in the style of The Incredible Machine, or indeed Mousetrap. Unaware of this, you happily bumble over to His igloo to borrow a cup of Sugar Puffs. As you knock on His icy, icy door, you startle His cat on the other side of the door, who leaps onto a platform, which tips a see-saw, on the other end of which is a boot. This boot kicks the switch of an electric heater, which turns itself on to eventually melt an icy, icy barrier, blocking a pipe full of water. This water, newly freed, gushes down a pipe and starts a makeshift waterwheel turning. This waterwheel slowly powers a generator, which powers an electric fan, pointed at a long trough of water in which there is a model sailing ship with a wooden rod tied to the *prrrow*. This model sailing ship is slowly blown along by the electric fan and prods a balloon, which has been trapped underneath a shelf. The balloon rises, bopping against a lever on it's way up. This lever pulls a string, which travels through some pulleys and opens a hatch, which unleashes thousands of killer bees from a trapdoor above the icy, icy door of The Penguin's igloo. Ordinairily these bees would kill you, and you would scream "Oh no! Bees!" But you got bored and went off to look at an icy, icy ravine. So The Penguin just pushes you down the icy, icy ravine instead. You die of being icy-icy-ravine'd. He loves it when a plan comes together.

108. The Penguin takes you on a day trip to EL Paso, where you drink Tequila till you pass out. Whilst passed out The Penguin tenderises you with cactus and serves you up as a Fajita.

109. The Penguin is drinking a carton of popular fruit juice 'Five Alive' , you foolishly assume no danger. The cartons of Five Alive have an extendo straw attatched, He unexpectedly extends the straw, sticks it down your throat and sucks out your insides.

110. The Penguin is a secret master of disguses, trained by MI5. He has a mysterious trunk which He carries around with him, He whips out a hotdog suit and prances around enticingly. You are attracted by the scrumdiddlyumptiousness of this tasty yet 80% water pseudo-meaty snack. As you encroach upon the crusty delicous bun He pulls out a bottle of american mustard and ketchup and begins to squirt manically (could go your way, could go mine). You are blinded by the condiments then pushed off a cliff, screaming to your doom in slow motion as seen on a cheesy lowbudget action movie.

111. You are relaxing in the bath with the musty scent of radox filling the air,
there is a foamy bit on your shoulder. The Penguin creeps in, unseen behind the
condensation on the glass and drops a toaster (complete with strawberry
poptarts) into the bath. The sparks fly, as does the strawberry jam and radox
retardents. Death by electrocution.

112. He paints himself white to disguise himself in the snow. He is the master of the stealthy walk and sneak attacks you. You die instantaneously.

113. He finds a lady penguin friend and breeds an army of miniature penguins which He trains with the jedi knights to become highly skilled ninjas with outstanding use of light sabers. His armada of penguins to send you to your doom!

114. He gets married but not to you. You die of a broken heart.

115. The Penguin plays the classic yet cheesy hit by the romanian superstars that are O-Zone. Whilst dancing with him on the wing of the plane He can-can kicks you off the edge. You plummet to your death.

116. It is your birthday and you are having a surprise party with performing baboons and ten thousand tonnes of ice cream. At the arrival of a giant birthday cake, out jumps the Penguin with a sawn off rifle. Crazy shooting spree, you know the rest.

117. The penguin puts you on a detox diet. You lose 14 stone in a day. You die after falling over your own drip.

118. You order a baked potato from popular sandwich bar Harvey G. Unknown to you, the Penguin taps your phonecall and manages to discover the delivery vehicles exact location using sensitive machinery and newfangled gadgets and gizmos. He intercepts Harvey and jacks his car and steals his hat (which needs a wash, it smells of tinkum). As a result Harvey is even later than normal. You die of
starvation.

119. The Penguin moves to Japan and has its cells genetically modified. Attack of the penguin clones. You are outnumbered ergo you die!

120. He takes you to wimbledon. You are blinded by Tim Henmans clearly brand new, whiter than white tennis whites. You shield your eyes from the glare whilst The Penguin brings out an automatic tennis ball firer. The pain is excruciating.
Death by tennis balls.

121. While travelling in the arctic as you so often do, you lose your way to your hotel. Caught in a blizzard, when you finally see a building you are relieved: it
would seem that you have made it back safely. Jumping up and down with understandable glee you rush inside in hope of getting a hot chocolate and a warm bath. However it is not your hotel, but the formidable igloo inhabited by The Penguin of Death. Your footsteps activate a conveyor belt that carries you against your will towards sharp and pointy rotating knives. You do of course turn and attempt to run away, but your attempts are futile due to your general avoidance of
treadmills. as the rotating knives shred your unfortunate body The Penguin chortles and rubs His wings together with glee. you curse your laziness.

122. You challenge The Penguin of Death to an amusing yet challenging thumb war. Unknown to you The Penguin has no thumbs and has spent a lifetime hiding his jealous state over your juicy pair of thumbs. He cant take it anymore and is distraught over your stupid suggestion to fight the boredom you both share, in a fit of rage The Penguin orders His minions to eat your thumbs from your hands. You die of frustration two weeks later when trying to write a letter to a distant relative in Uzbekistan.

123. Using the power of His enigmatic smile, The Penguin Of Death lures you on a dinner date. He presents you with a flower which you believe is Lovely and in which you think is everything good and beautiful and TRUE. It isn't. The flower is actually a trick flower and The Penguin uses it to squirt poison all over your face causing it to burn off before you die. Ouch.

124. The Penguin seduces you by pretending to be a charming Frenchman in a tuxedo and serenading you with endless compliments in a sexy French accent until your head swells to the size of a small balloon which He promptly pops with a pin.

125. You attempt to write your own Webster’s Dictionary. The Penguin, being all-seeing and all-knowing, is aware of this goal of yours and makes His way over to where you are feverishly jotting down every word you can think of. Devilishly, He makes suggestions of words that do not exist, causing the nervous academic inside you to scream with frustration and agony at thinking that perhaps there are words you have never heard of that you will be unable to include in your dictionary, and the nervous academic becomes bigger and Bigger and BIGGER until she overwhelms you and you die.

126. You are starring with The Penguin in Romeo and Juliet. You are so moved by His performance that you stab yourself for real by mistake in the final scene and He walks off the stage.

127. You are in a duel to the death with The Penguin to avenge all of the other senseless deaths that He has created. He reveals himself to be your father. You die of shock.

128.You are out shopping for washing machines. The salesperson overwhelms you with His enigmatic smile. Slowly you whole world shrinks to that beautiful smile, like a shirt in the washer. You feel cold flippers on your neck and you know it’s HIM.

129. You are sitting by the pond. You gaze into its loverly depths (or rather your gorgeous reflection). You are hypnotized. You are transfixed. You are overwhelmed. You are riveted. You are that special. Suddenly, The Penguin appears from the pond’s icy depths, and drags you straight through your beautiful reflection. You die from narcissism.

130. He waits. He bides his time. He's a patient little psychopath. He's not in a hurry. When you are old and crumbly, He jumps out at you from behind a bush. You're tired heart can't take it, and you die.

131.You are perfectly happy, picking flowers in the arctic circle. The Penguin appears with a copy of the national geographic. You are battered to death along with the flowers because they arent supposed to exist. Poor flowers.

132.The Penguin is so pissed off that He has to travel all the way to the Arctic and sit in an igloo every time He wants to despatch someone that He uses His limitless resources to build a doomsday device out of cheese and piano wire and wipes out the whole world. Hurrah!

133. (In script format)

Leonardo: Greetings, Penguin of Death. I admire your enigmatic smile. Please let me have the honour of painting you.

Penguin of Death: (secretly and enigmatically flattered). Yes I will allow this.

paint, paint, paint.

Leonardo's agent: Da Vinci, nobody buys pictures of penguins. We need to attract a new market. eg The Borgias.

Leonardo: No worries. I will superimpose the head of a woman onto the enigmatic smile, hoping the Penguin of Death will not notice. Mona or Lisa will do.

Penguin of Death: Bring me the head of Leonardo da Vinci !

Borgia Family: On yer head son !

Remember, to offend the Penguin means death.

NB - only works if your name is Leonardo.

134.You agree to accompany The Penguin in a fishing extravaganza. You follow Him into the rasberry slush-puppy-like ocean and dive down. You trust Him because He is strangely attractive. He takes you so deep that the pressures of immense sucktion forces you to the size of a garden pea. You die of squashification.

135. The Penguin straps faux swan wings to your arms and tells you to fly to the sun. He watches, smiling as your wings melt and you fall to earth, landing like a lump of strawberry jam.

136. The Penguin charms you outside to dance with Him in the rain, He sweeps you off your feet. You die as your skin melts off you. Its acid rain. (The Penguin has ultra-protective, anti-acid, force-field feathers).

137. You give The Penguin a chocolate biscuit (also commonly known as a penguin). He is impressed, and flashes you one of his famous smiles as he eats, but upon reading the joke, he becomes infuriated by it's total crappiness that he shoves the wrapper up your left nostril causing you to hemmorage. He waddles off singing "Gun's don't kill people wrappers do."

138. Death by emo.Whilst sat in a corner, crying, listening to your taking back sunday cd you forget to change the light bulb and are plunged into instant darkness. With your senses rendered useless through no light and the quite terrible mixture of taking back sunday and your crying, The Penguin walks up and spends a good 24 minutes gurning behind your back. He then grows tired of this game and ceremoniously beheads you.

139. You awake one morning feeling refreshed to find a letter from The Penguin inviting you to join him for Thanksgiving, The Penguin being of no one nationality or faith celebrates every holiday or occasion as He sees them as ripe opportunities to invite His pals round for a good mass murder. You are excited and respond to the affirmative, the day before you are to attend tho you are tipped off by The Penguin's hilarious but caring friend Ramasies Kniblick the Third who tells you of The Penguin's plan to pit you and the other guests in a battle royale on his purpose built ice island. Strangely you still attend Thanksgiving but with a heavy arsenal of weaponry. You win with some ease. The Penguin is angered by Ramasies Kniblick the Third's betrayal as the battle provided Him with little amusement and thus decides to make you fight Ramasies in hand to hand combat. Ramasies wins in 8 rounds after a cunning half-nelson, The Penguin is appeased and forgives Ramasies his betrayal on the condition he turns your corpse into a tasty casserole.

140. The Penguin, being omnipotent as He is, has mastered all forms of virtual reality and while you sleep connects you to his simulation game. You awake to find yourself being chased by The Penguin in Sherman Tank. He shoots each of your limbs clean off with a montage of bullet fire then leaves you just two feet from his medipac kit that would heal you instantly. With no way to move you die and as the body can not live without the mind you die in your bed. The Penguin removes His virtual Reality game and leaves without trace. Ahhh He thinks over a brandy, the perfect crime.

141. Being a big Ben Stiller fan, The Penguin tries to milk you like a cat and drains all the fluid from your body. You die.

142.The Penguin forges a ring, into it He pours all His dastardliness, He then creates 9 rings which He gives to Men, 3 which He gives to Elves and 6 to the Dwarfs. You buy one of the rings at a car boot sale and are corrupted by its power, you fall into darkness but make a shit ringwriath so The Penguin fires you. Unable to hold down a regular job as you are half dead and squeal like a little bitch, you decide to end it all by jumping into a vat of custard.

143. The Penguin decides to start up a detective agency in Botswana run only by penguins. One day you, who happened to be living in Botswana at the time, rush into His office and shout that your lover has been murdered. The Penguin takes you back to your house in His tiny white Van of Death, but as soon as you rush inside you realise your lover was killed by repeated stabs of a penguin beak to his head and groin. There is a shadow behind you. You die due to your lack of noticing a Penguin was the cause of death.

144. The Penguin of Death has bred and trained a vicious army of killer bees, which He has created to take over the world. To test His army, He smothers you in honey and leaves you hanging over the icy icy ravine whilst He unleashed the swarm. You die in the name of science.

145. The Penguin is making yogurt. He can’t quite decide which flavour to make His yogurt. Suddenly you come walking over, entranced by the perplexed look on His charming face. You trip and fall into the vat of yogurt, where you are sliced up by hidden blades. The Penguin tastes the yogurt and decides you make a nice flavour, as so markets you as petit filous, full of natural goodness. You die giving nutrition to small children.

146.The Penguin sees you chewing gum. He wants it. He asks you for a piece but although you are strangely attracted to His enigmatic smile you hoard your gum and refuse, saying that you have none left. This angers The Penguin so He stuffs your mouth full of soap and takes all your gum, leaving you gumless and a rabies-like foaming mass of bubbles. You suffocate on soapy bubbles that are big and bubbly and soapy.

147. The Penguin Of Death cunningly disguises himself as a chicken by putting a yellow rubber glove on his head (in the style of Wallace and Gromit) then pecks you to death….peck peck peck…..(snacky!)

148. Angered at the penguin maiming internet game, The Penguin and His Posse set up a trap, where you are tricked into walking off a cliff in the false pretence of seeing some 'oh so cute penguins happily frolicking in their natural habitat.' Whilst peering over the cliff top, The Penguin Posse ambush you, push you over the edge where He is waiting with a large mean and nasty looking baseball bat. Having been on the first team at school, He never misses, and if you aren't killed by that, you die on impact into the sea or by drowning. Either way, you are dead.

149. Beneath The Penguin’s Igloo of Death is a large cavern, where The Penguin has been building a giant robot with which He can squash many people at once. He decides to start His bloody rampage in London, where you are spending a day of sightseeing. You are on the London eye when you spy The Penguin’s robot coming towards you, and are unable to escape as your ridiculously slow pod has only just reached the top. The Penguin’s robot rips the wheel from its hinges and throws it like a frisbee. You are thrown so far it reaches the Atlantic Ocean, where it lands and begins to sink. You die because British airways didn’t equip the pods with lifeboats and lifejackets.

150. You are a chocoholic. You go to a party where you meet The Penguin of Death, and are entranced into talking to Him by His enigmatic smile. Near the end of the party, you let it slip that you are addicted to chocolate. The Penguin, infuriated by any sign of weakness, kidnaps you and takes you to Columbia. There, you shoves cocoa pods down your throat until you die by chocolate.

151. The Penguin of Death starts up his own band, who play a unique brand of techno pop rap metal fusion. Everyone buys their album, as they are entranced by The Penguin’s enigmatic smile on the front cover, on which He poses with a stuffed zebra. You buy some tickets to the first concert of their world tour, and are surprised to see a lifelike giant balloon of The Penguin of Death floating above the arena. As the concert begins, The Penguin and his band rise up from beneath the stage with a supporting cast of Inuit choirs. As the fireworks on the stage go off, the penguin shoots a dart into the balloon, which bursts, raining down hundreds of piranhas onto the audience below. You die, along with the rest of The Penguin’s fans, Bobby the guitarist, Jimbo the drummer, Elliot the bassist and the Inuit choir.

152. You are part of a group of Peruvian tourists taking a barge down the river thames.due to the Peruvians wanting at turn at steering the barge you end up in a strong current heading straight for the arctic. The Penguin sees a small blip on His radar going blip blip blip blip... He thinks its another barge full of tourists who got lost touristing down the touristy part of the thames, so He uses his awesome telekinetic powers to move an old world war 2 seamine, that had also been caught in the strong current heading to the arctic, in front of the barge. The blip blips once more...then stops. You die because of damn Peruvian tourists.

153. The Penguin suffocates you by taking off His own face and forcing you to wear it like some kind of twisted halloween mask. He dies in the process, but what a way to go.

154. The Penguin curses you with pie blight (a techinque learnt from a Peruvian witch doctor,) the true nature of this terrible affliction only becomes apparent when a flock of seagulls takes an interest in the pie shaped swellings that have begun to well up all over your body. In a fever of pie related mayhem, the excited wing flapping bastards take to dive bombing you in an attempt to get morsels of your sweet pie ridden flesh. Their beaks cause a series of cuts and abrasions that weep seeping pie residues all over the place, greasing everything up and causing you to slip over in your own juices and knock yourself out. Unable to defend yourself, the savage creatures tear you to pieces... just as The Penguin planned…

155. It is your birthday, you receive a beautifully wrapped pair of novelty socks. It is from The Penguin, you are touched and moved by his sentimental gesture. You immediately attempt to put them on, unfortunately in your haste you DIE. Alas you join the unfortunate 3 who die annually of 'putting on socks'. The penguin a is homicidal statistical genius.

156. The Penguin is into health food and faddy diets- a penguin of such evilness as He must always look His best. You sneer at his servile attitude towards the moguls of the health industry. The Penguin glares at you. You freeze. He stuns you with His beautifully enigmatic smile. You are transfixed. With the speed of a speeding bullet He launches himself at your throat, which He then proceeds to stuff full of sunflower seeds and damp Detox tea bags. Your stomach distends to gargantuan proportions and finally explodes. The penguin then eats your insides as a lesson to you. Never sneer at the Penguin of Death. You never will again- you have died of death.

157. you have entered The Penguin of Death academy, which is famous for producing the best of the best of the best of the best in the country.what is not known however is what is produced...
unfortunately fresh corpses are the industry that The Academy participates in. on the induction day you are sorted into tutor groups then killed by frenchmen with guns. (theyre cheaper...if they charge at all that is)The Penguin makes millions over the bodies of thousands...and by being cost effective.

158. You are friends with The Penguin of Death, as you are attracted to his enigmatic smile, so you decide to go for a pleasant ride in a toboggan.what you don't know is that The Penguin likes your shiny new sunglasses and plans to steal them! Quick as a flash he's swiped them and jumped off the toboggan as you go splatting into a rather large boulder that just happened to be laying around. Darn that fashion conscious Penguin.

159. The Penguin employs a sciencey group of sciencey scientists to change the brains of humans and animals alike so that they work happily and with lots of motivation without needing a reward...evil governmenty sciencey peopley agree to fund it so that the sciencey scientists (using sciencey science) brainwash all non sciencey and those of the Other group category people, with sciencey scientific science stuff. You are part of one of those groups and so are cruelly used in this abusing way until your subconcious kills you in your sleep for being so pathetically ruled.

160. You are at an under 18s night with a random child you picked of the street and called your own. you are enjoying it very much. a little too much. you hear that familiar sound of Penguin feet sliding menacingly along the fag-end littered, barbie-doll covered, stilleto trampled floor and while examening aformentioned floor you are hit over the head by aforementioned stolen child. You die to pitiful sounds of Mcfly, of course.

161. You meet The Penguin online in a chat room. He invites you to his Mansion in the countryside, you go as you are entranced by His charming smiley face. You get there, you realise its actually his son in training, shocked you flee. Penguin Jr. presses a button which releases sharks into a pool nearby, simultaneously the path on which you are running turns into a slide to that pool and you are cut by a spike on the end. The sharks smell blood and eat you. Penguin Jr. gives an evil laugh as his Father gives him a piece of paper saying he has passed the course.

162. The Penguin of Death invites you to the opera. You wear your best frock and your new Dame Edna glasses, a present from The Penguin. As the heroine reaches the climax of her death scene the glasses start vibrating in sympathy with her wailing. Eventually the vibrations become so intense your brain liquifies and runs out of your nose all over your dress. Not only are you dead but you have also ruined your best frock and been seen in public wearing Dame Edna glasses.

163. Like a pot of jelly The Penguin falls into the atmosphere from His Mother Ship after being Blown Up by Penguin Revolutionists. He bounces off the Himalayas, then the alps (the Rheinhorn to be more specific) and then melts you while you are walking to the bus stop on a friday night in the form of jelly substance-like acid rain...peach flavoured i believe.

164. The Penguin of Death discovers you like the anime Sailor Moon, and jams your collectors’ edition Sailor Moon DVDs down your windpipe and a Sailor Moon plushie up your nose. You suffocate, and darn right too, for liking Sailor Moon.

165. You like monkeys. You go to the zoo. The Penguin hates monkeys. He hates you. Monkey see, monkey do. Penguin teaches monkeys to kill you. Monkey see monkey do, killed by monkeys, poor poor you.

166. The Penguin is flipping through the wanted adds section of the newspaper, and notices a job listing is open for a temporary Grim Reaper. With his excellent references (from all of those he has killed) and his enigmatic smile he easily gets the job. Conveniently, the first on his list is you. Your time has come. You die.

167. The Penguin straps you to a chair and proceeds to read the entire complete English Dictionary (of which there are volumes, at least 12) to you. You die, not of boredom, but of starvation, as The Penguin, in His dastardly way, forgets to feed you as He is reading.

168. The Penguin encases you in a distorted sculpture of yourself, which He then uses to win the Turner Prize. You die a twofold death of suffocation and shame.

169. The Penguin fires a powerful beam at you from the Switch Maestro logo on his chest. You are hit full blast and die, surrounded by the seals and walrus priest with their creepy smiles.

170. The Penguin participates in a mascot race, dressed as a large furry Penguin with an enigmatic smile. However, He is pipped at the post by someone in a gorilla costume. In His rage He rips the beak off of His costume and uses it to slice off the legs of you, the gorilla. You die, and you don’t even get your trophy.

171. The Penguin enters your dreams and climbs out of your brain. Everyone knows your brain was not built to withstand exiting Penguin pressure. Your head literally explodes, leaving The Penguin standing over your headless corpse. That was one hell of an exit, and one hell of an entrance.

172. The Penguin sticks you in an iron maiden and squishes you, and then markets your remains as a limited edition blood orange squishy (he does not lie, it’s full of blood and orangey goodness).

173. The Penguin creates a new computer game, entitled ‘Penguinz’ in which you must look after miniature Penguins which appear on your desktop. You are so transfixed by their little digitised enigmatic smiles that you cannot leave them, and stay by your computer until you shrivel and die like a little prune, which The Penguin neatly pops into his mouth as he passes the internet café.

174. You take a trip to the zoo. The Penguin cleverly disguises Himself in one of the enclosures. No one saw it coming. Penguin Parades are meant to be fun.

175. The Penguin is not amused by you biting his nose and singing "dinna ninna ninna ninna dinna ninna ninna ninna Batman". He pushes you into a pool of sewage.

176. The Penguin has decided to visit you for a whole week in your home town of Nottingham. You are completely overwhelmed and excited and plan to spend every day visiting the museum of Robin Hood. Unknown to you, The Penguin and Robin are arch enemies and their rivalry has lasted after Robin's death. The Penguin has always been jealous of Robin's fame and fortune, He wants a musem dedicated to Himself. While having a tantrum outside a nearby, popular bakery 'Greggs', The Penguin angers some Nottingham locals and causes a drive-by shoot out. You die instantly on the pavement after recieving 23 gunshot wounds to the leg. There are pastry goods everywhere.

177. You meet The Penguin at a Red Hot Chili Peppers gig. You are having the time of your life when they decide to play the classic Catholic School Girls Rule. The Penguin with a dashing enigmatic smile convinces you to visit some catholic school girls. Upon your visit to the school The Penguin tricks you into walking into the changing rooms. You are trampled by a rampage of angry nuns! The Penguin escapes using his nun like appearance and enigmatic smile of innocence.

178. You're a bad boy. He punishes you, punishes you to death.

179. "I'm the leprichaun, try and steal me pot o gold!" you taunt. The Penguin does, left pennyless you flee to eastbourne where you perish.

180. Its your birthday and The Penguin treats you to a nice curry, the next day you are feeling the effects of this well intentioned feast and sitting proud atop your porcelain throne. Unbeknown to you the penguin has plugged your back passage. Squeeze and Squeeze you do, so hard in fact that you explode in an explosion of excrement.

181. Doh, a deer, a female deer. Ray a drop of golden !!BANG!! you're shot and quite rightly too.

182. You vote for George W Bush, The Penguin removes your eyes and chokes you with them. End.

183. The Penguin gets his teenage kicks very directly up your anus and out of your mouth.

184. The Penguin strings you up in an old shark tank full of saltwater up to your neck. You are left there for 4 days, during which time you shrivel up and get all crinkley and die of dehydration while hallucinating about polar bears playing nirvana. Biology classes can be cruel.

185. You are stood innocently watching your hero Aled Jones on Songs of Praise whilst ironing your dads shirts. Unbeknown to you the producers of Songs of Praise have highly insulted the Penguin of Death by not allowing him to sing on the show as his xmas present to Mrs Penguin of Death. He decides to hunt them down. Unfortuntely you are one of these unwitty producers. He creeps into your living room and repeatedly hits you with your iron. Your face swells to twice the size and you writhe in agony. Then you die.

186. The Penguin cuts off your arms and legs and stands you on your head in a fish tank. As you fade out of existence you catch a glimpse of him carrying out a sordid role play with one of your limbs and your... Unfortunately before you can have any other thoughts on the matter, or comprehend the fiendish debauchery of the scene, you die in a frenzied thrashing of stumps.

187. He cooks you some spaghetti bolognaise, with garlic bread and everything, and puts poison in it. But the poison has no effect, so he strangles you. After half an hour, he realises that too is having no effect. So he stabs you. It hurts, but you don't die. So he shoots you. Once again, it stings a bit, but you don't die. You're putting Rasputin to shame. Anyway, The Penguin tries to throw you off a cliff. Then into a river. Then runs you over with a steamroller. Then sets fire to you. Finally, he decides to chop off your head. For once, it works. You die of being poison-strangle-stab-shot-plummet-drown-squash-burn-chop'd.

188. You are an extremely caring and warm hearted person. Due to this you feel sorry for all the hated people of the world. You decide to help them all one group at a time. You start with accountants. You start a club called 'safety in numbers' where accountants from all over the country come to talk about how interesting accountants really are and they can shelter from all the missiles being thrown at them in the street. Little do you know that The Penguin is exterminating accountants one at a time and realises(due to His amazing genius)that your club is the perfect place to get them all. He attends one of these meetings disguised as a lowly accountant. Unbeknown to you all accountants are completely obsessed with dancing - He knows this. Half way through the meeting (just after the tea and biscuits) He turns on the dance version of Guns and Roses 'Sweet Child of Mine'. Your head explodes from the sheer undignity of it. And you didnt even have to watch the accountants get into their tutus. Classy, Penguin, classy.

189. You are on the train and answer your phone, annoying The Penguin (and everyone else). He takes the phone and rams it into your chest. As you are rushed to hospital you think, 'aha, I've survived'. The doctors tell you that 1mm to the right and you would have died! At that moment The Penguin calls you, and you remember your phone has vibrate function. You die to the tune of a tinny ring tone.

190. You and the Penguin decide to take a seaside camping holiday in the popular tourist town of Aberystwyth. However, once in the tent you happen to remark upon the cramped conditions, and the penguin, somewhat sensitive about his body, decides you have called him fat. However, he seems pretty calm and you are not worried. It is only later, when building sandcastles on the beach, where he sticks his bucket on your head, beats you with his spade, and sticks sandcastle flags over every available space on your body, you realise that perhaps you were naive. You contemplate this thought as your bleeding porcupine-like body is pushed out into the water strapped to a lilo, forever to be used a bouy in the cold welsh sea.

191. You are giving a talk on the legend of the vampyr, you foolishly state that creatures of the night can morph into bats. Unknow to you, The Penguin Of Death is indeedy a vampyr Penguin and is insulted by being associated with bats, as He had an 'incident' with Moggy the Bat some time ago, needless to say, Moggy is frozen alive deep down in the icy icy ravine. As you arrive home that very same evening with a delicious chocolate cheesecake, the Penguin Of Death is waiting at your doorstep, you are entranced by His enigmatic smile and as you stare a gazeless stare, He leapts onto your neck and drains the blood out of you. You die. And the Penguin Of Death goes home with a tasty after dinner treat.

192. The Penguin poses as a seemingly friendly admissions tutor from Cambridge University and offers you an interview. Your initial excitement (huzaah!) is quickly replaced by the terrfiying knowledge that you know nothing about anything and have absolutely no interesting or original opinions. You attempt to rectify this by reading for 68 hours consecutively. Sadly, you never make it to your interview, having died of exhaustion and loss of blood through numerous papercuts. What a sad, sad waste of a fine young mind.

193. You stand on the edge, your head in a bucket of ice cream. Unbeknownst to you, you are not alone. Dun dun dun dun. The Penguin steals your spoon, at which you cry out with horror and in the attempt to grab it back you overbalance and fall fall fall...a very horrifying waste of ben and jerrys...poor chaps.

194. Walking along the street with The Penguin, you look into his face, The Penguin's enigmatic smile pleases you so much you get overly excited. The Penguin points this out to the whole street and everyone laughs at you. you feel betrayed by The Penguin and you die of shame.

195. The very cosmos join forces with The Penguin, and you are inexplicably crushed and burned by a random meteor.

196. The Penguin crouches silently before you.... you can't help but stare as you have never seen such a beautiful penguin. All of a sudden He shouts "pingupoison" and starts to spin furiously.... He then stretches out his arms and leaps towards you creating a lethal spinning blade action. This is the last thing you see.

197. The Penguin disguises Himself as a hot Spanish Dancer. You are entranced by His hottness and dancing technique. You talk to Him. He unsuspectingly knocks you out with His maracas. He spanks you to death with them. Never talk to hot Spanish dancers alone.

198. The Penguin disguises Himself as a seemingly harmless Penguin of Death Edward Monkton card. You touch the card and suddenly catch Penguin Syndrome (a nasty disease in which you yourself turn into one of His minions). You do not realise you have this and pass it on to all of your friends by showing them your fantastic card. The Penguin thinks that you have not shown the card to enough of your friends and confronts you in front of the rest of His minions. You die of shame because you have not met His holy standards.

199. The Penguin invites you to a tea party, which you happily agree to, having long admired His patchwork skills from afar in your mutual quilting class. Betwixt scones, you relax and start to openly mock the confusingly popular band U2 for, among other things, their astoundingly poor lyrics. You collapse into a mirth-ridden heap on the floor reciting one of their songs - "Grace... it's the name of a girl... and.. also.... a thing that can save the world..." - when the cold pressure of a flipper on your neck suddenly forces you to look up into the stern-beaked face of The Penguin. He is Not Amused. But why? You wonder. And rightly so. He reaches for a pair of sunglasses and puts them on, and you realise with a sense of impending doom and mild embarassment that The Penguin and Bono are one and the same! Suddenly it's all starting to make sense... you never had seen them in the same place at the same time after all... you're just starting to wonder if you can pass all this off as an amusing social faux-pas when The Penguin stuffs your mouth with chloroform-filled scones and uses his Grade A needlework skills to transform you into a new guitar for 'The Edge'. You die slowly, as a horrendous new song is composed upon your pastry-filled body.

200. Following the advice of His spiritual advisor, the Very Rev Orlando Bloom, The Penguin becomes a Buddhist, renounces His former bloodthirsty nature and embarks upon a life of spreading peace, love, and sweet chilli sauce. You breathe a sigh of relief. The Penguin, on a day's peaceful shopping trip, happens upon a small-town branch of a major pharmaceutical chain. Unbeknownst to both you and The Penguin, some fiendish small-town-branch-of-major-pharmaceutical-chain employees have deviously planted homocidal subliminal messages around the store! Ye gods! As The Penguin gazed at the cotton wool pads He was about to purchase, He felt the beginnings of a paradigm shift brought on by their fiendishly spelling out the word 'KILL.' Seeing you across the store, innocently inspecting a packet of rusks, He turns and throws the cotton wool with such force that it goes straight through you, killing you instantly, but also leaving a mess of cotton wool and guts on the floor, which the fiendish store employees whose fault this sorry debacle was anyway have to clear up, thus making them actually work for a change, and so you are, in some part at least, vindicated.

206. The Penguin of Death has pursued you for many years, over several continents, trying to kill you in one of the 205 successful ways listed above. By sheer will power, luck and fortitude you have escaped time and again. He counts you a worthy foe and invites you to join his exclusive paint-balling team. You are given a secret location deep in the Essex countryside and advised to buy extra balls. On the first exercise 'Seize the Presiguin' (see what I did there) you slip on a root and inadvertently shoot him in the left buttock. The pain is excruciating and reminds Him why He was trying to kill you in the first place. He turns and mows you down in a hail of paint bullets. The last thing you see before the yellowness consumes you is Him dancing around your pathetically twitching body, eating your complimentary burger. With extra onions. And no ketchup. The Monster.

207. The penguin sits on your face. You die of suffication.

208. The Penguin turns into dave grohl. U are encouraged to sit on his back as he is a horse. He then grows a spike out of his back impaling u on this. You die of the puncture of a spleen.

209. The Penguin of Death is manufacturing a new brand of sedative-laxitives in the form of polo-esque tablets. He comes to your house disguised as a door to door salesman. You open the door and are intrigued by His enigmatic smile and penguiny charms... you willingly purchase many many packets of sedative laxatives unaware of what they are...

Years later you are looking for your friend wilfred under your bed and discover what you believe to be a packet of e'er so minty polo mints... you eat them all in a fest of polo-eating manliness... unbeknown to you, they are actually sedative-laxatives... you OD on sedative-laxatives and die sprawled in a pile of your own shit... shit you... the Penguin wins again...

210. The Penguin is starring in The War Of The Worlds. You go and see the premier and laugh at it specifically implying how rubbish The Penguin is at acting. His eye's turn red and his enigmatic smile grows wider and begins to freak you out, as you run from the theatre The Penguin sets his flying monkeys on you, borrowed from The Wicked Witch Of The West, they bring you to him and he proceeds in ripping out your insides with is beak. Then you die. Because your a loser and have a bad opinion.

211. You steal the Penguin's phone and bag and ipod, all in one week. The Penguin then goes crazy and so nails an iron mask to ur head. You suffocate and die whilst hearing the Penguin bum your brother.

212. As it's the summer you go for a picnic with your lovely pals in a field that has nothing but grass, flowers, and the odd rabbit. As you walk through this field you see a lonely figure in the distance, you approach it thinking that no one should be alone and miserable on such a wonderful day. When your within 50ft of the figure, you realise it is The Penguin even though you are not sure at first as the sun make it hard to see Him proply. The reflection of the light on His white patch burn your eyes, you begin to die a slow and painful death. Suddenly, out of no where, Geoff the raveness rabbit (who is in fact God in disguise) comes to save you and jumps onto The Penguin and begins to hump Him. You attempt to escape while The Penguin kills Geoff the raveness rabbit and pulls out all of Geoff teeth. You finally find a way to escape as you feel your way back home (remembering your blind at this point) when a sharp stabbing pain is felt down your back. The Penguin has threw the teeth at you and they have landed on your back in a big G shape. You are blinded and bleed to death. The Penguin takes Geoff home and eats him, then you. Well done, you managed to kill God as well.

213. The penguin is stood in front of you in the queue at shitty chain food store Mc Donalds....it is 7am he orders his favourite burger and fries they claim they dont have any until 10:30am he flips his lid at this bullshit....turns and beats you to death with a Sausage Mc Muffin that he had to settle for instead......you suffer McDeath.

214. The Penguin savagely opens a tin of Heinz baked beans. You spend so much time trying to work out how it could possibly kill you with beans that you die of old age.

215. You walking to your grandmothers house when your ex-boyfriend falls on your head after falling 20 stories from his flat window. You are merged together on the pavement, and die of suffocation, Inconsiderate Bastard.

Supporters of The Penguin wish it to be known that he is being given A Bad Name and could equally be called The Penguin Of Candyfloss And Sparkles, given half the chance.